12.03.2009

Infidelity....



I wasn't really going to post about the infamous I word....because seriously...

well...

i'm just in the middle of a million things at the moment...

but this is tugging at me..

so here we go.

We all know by now what Tiger has done...

i mean..have you seen his wife.

gorgeous.

And i love that guy...i mean we as a family do...

my son knows who he is...

he just eludes the all american dream...

where you can achieve your dream.

CRASH.

I was reading somewhere yesterday that said something to the effect

of....

what is with the superstars that make tons of money and have hot wives?

Ahem..

excuse me...

Men everyday cheat on their wives.

everyday.

Real..normal...family men cheat on their wives...

if this is news to you...then i'm so sorry.

The reality is...it happens....

pastors of fabulous churches cheat....

it happens...

good...well educated..men cheat...

it happens.

The reason i'm bringing this up is because i have a few friends

that have struggled with this issue....

Women and men don't think the same. they don't.

Men are sexual creatures my nature...

women are not.

I've seen a really good friend lose everything because her

husband made a bad decision...

but she picked herself up and now is remarried and happy.

and another friend that made the decision to save her

marriage...and keep her family intact...

but everyday is a battle...of trust.

I work really hard at my marriage....

and maybe it's because deep down i know how men

are visual creatures...but i want my man happy..

and happy at home.

Nobody is perfect....nobody.

Relationships are the hardest work...i know...

i work really hard at mine...

it's work...with the reward being happiness.
How hard do work at your relationship?

Have you ever been there....and what has become of

your situation?

I think we could all benefit to hear....
I want to hear the happy stories also;-)

{feel free to comment anonymously.....}

xo

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

Humans are HUMAN which means they are capable of human acts. All of us. My first husband was a creep. My paster was a creep. When I was younger and single I made some decisions I am now not very proud of. I also get annoyed with the media focusing so much on others indescretions. It is unfortunate- not shocking news. It was private and personal when I was going through it and it is private and personal for anyone else in my opinion. Thanks for your post!

Susan said...

What a great post kasey.
I am lucky to have never been in a situation like this, but you are so right. Marriage is hard work and with hard work it deserves happiness.
Thank you.
Susan

Room Service ~ Decorating 101 said...

Great post! But woman need to understand, it has nothing to do with them! No, nothing, not the wife or the other woman. "It's a man thing."

Suzann @ The Olive Cottage said...

Women cheat too. It's not about how beautiful the person is or how much money they have or how good the sex is. People cheat because of issues much stronger than the sex thing. Actually the sex is just a thing that happens. Quite hard to explain in type. Personally, I don't want to hear about Tiger's marital issues. I wish they could have been kept private. But that's me. I know lots of men and women who have cheated and have been cheated on. We live in a fallen world and we are fallen people. It's unfortunate, but true.

Wendy @ The Shabby Nest said...

This is a very sad and serious subject, and I'm not making light of it, but it is a little funny if you read your last post and then this one. (Even though we all knew your married man was your hubby.) But seriously, I always wonder what I'd do in a similar situation, would I walk away, or would I forgive and try to move on? It's hard to say, and I don't think it's our place to judge those who are going through it, like Tiger's poor wife. Thanks for making us all think.

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Great post...i totally agree with you, you have to constantly work at your relationship.

Life At Camellia Cottage said...

You know, people need to understand two things:

1 - humans are imperfect - made to be imperfect, and will from time to time make bad choices - it's what we do - some more than others!

2 - when you put an imperfect human on a pedestal and pretend they are perfect and infallible, you will be disappointed - every time!

I guess it's just because I understand this that I'm NOT a 'celebrity' person. Hey, just because they make bazillions of dollars and have their faces pasted all over the place doesn't change the fact they are HUMAN!!!

My bottom line: Everyone makes mistakes, it's what they do in the aftermath that shows me what kind of person they really are!

And yes, maintaining a happy, trusting, loving relationship is work, but oh, so worth it! Blesings, Becky G.

Simply Me Art said...

Well you've got to figure this guy was put up to fail at some point. Come on he has been made to seem Super Human for his whole life. Obviously there are serious issues in his life that no one knows about, I'm sure there is much more to come out. Yes people men and woman do it all the time, does it make it ok? No, I think it is what you decide to do after that is the hardest part. Do you think these people think of the kids when they are having the affairs? Men are definitely wired differently and they have Testosterone which makes them think a bit differently then us, but it is NOT and Excuse to wreck a family and marriage. In my opinion he needs to be accountable for what he did, Imagine all the young people, like your son who look to him as a role model. SAD all around for all couples who have to face this. I'm so Damn Stubborn I don't think I could save my marriage, I think I would end it after something like that. Who knows, I hope Im never in that situation. So Sad we put these people up on these pedestals too. We need to remember they are human too. Off my Soapbox. xo Jamie

Vintage Junky said...

I wasn't going to comment, but as I came back upstairs from starting my morning, I had to... My best friend has been struggling with a man who repeatedly cheats on her. And, her life is in shambles right now. I agree that men are visual creatures and that a relationship is work, but maybe if we as women all adopted the "do unto others" philosophy, it wouldn't happen as much. I realize this is a dream, but seriously... people need to stop hopping into bed with other people's husbands!! I personally wouldn't want a man who I knew had done that before. And, that brings me to another point, all people who say that their husband, son, brother, etc. wouldn't do it, well I am not so sure about that. I have a wonderful man that loves me and he is one that people say that about. And I trust him. But, put in the right situation with the wrong kind of woman, I am sure that at least the temptation would be there.

Okay, I am stepping off my soapbox. My best wishes to Tiger and his family. And, wishes for you to have a wonderful party!

Tracy is ... Loving Pretty Things said...

My husband and I were talking for a long time about this topic. You're SO right. Not just people in power cheat. It can happen to anyone....

But you nailed it on the head. W.O.R.K. Work at your marriage/relationship. It takes perseverance, endurance, trust and effort. My friend just posted something on my fb status: "lets give men more credit" - there ARE men who remain faithful. Lets put the taboo back in infidelity.

OH - and women are not innocent victims here! Women need to do all they can to:

1. respect the commitment of someone else's marriage and BACK OFF...

2. work your a*s off to keep your man happy at home. Put out, work out, treat him like a king.

3. repeat 1 & 2 over and over and over ....

YES - humans make mistakes. YES - we are a fallen world full of sin. Prayerfully, Faithfully and with a lot of {{blood? perhaps...}}, sweat and tears one man and one woman CAN live happily ever after.....

xo

The Tomball Three said...

My husband has never done this to me, but a boyfriend right before him did. Devastating ... and it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with unfinished business he had with his ex and their daughter ... it was too much for me to handle and I moved on. I'd like to think I've forgiven him, but it's still very hard to imagine why someone would ever want to hurt me like that ... he's not my favorite person.

My husband is amazing and we are both disappointed in Tiger- but we're disappointed in friends and family members who have done it too ... it's not just a celebrity thing. It's jsut he is so public, everyone knows about it. Like Brad/Jen/Angelina.

Great post! Thanks for reminding us we can do our part by keeping the home, ourselves and the relationship UP!

Anonymous said...

To me the saddest part is that its on the news. I do care about infedelity, but we are at War, we are sending more troops to Afghanistan before Christmas, we have 4 Navy Seals (America's Finest) that are being Courtmartialed because they hurt a well known terrorist, a Murderer of Americans. I fell extremely sorry for Tiger's wife, how humiliating to have this played out in the media.. but I can't stand that this is "News"

R said...

Although he is a public figure, he and his family deserve their privacy.

Lora said...

amen and amen!
I haven't personally gone through this...I'm not married...but I've walked through the storm with a few of my friends--on both sides of cheating. It's devastating, and each friend has ended up with a different outcome at the end, but always comes out stronger.

Leah C said...

Touchy subject for a lot of people and a lot of opinions about "it". Bottom line, no one is perfect, it happens and it hurts. That's the saddest thing about infidelity, I think... it can hurt so many people. I hope I never have to deal with it; but, can you imagine how horrible it must be to deal with such a private issue so publicly?!!

mimi charmante said...

What an amazing group of comments. I couldn't agree more. We are human, and people do make mistakes. But, a mistake is something you do once (or with one person for a period of time) and I think, under the right circumstances, it can be overcome. Repeating the "mistake" is something that I would not be able to stand by - it is then, in my opinion, a character flaw. I also agree that *most* people cheat for a reason, which is why you are so right in saying that relationships take work. I think often couples get comfortable and let themselves go a bit, in looks and in behavior. I am not saying that I could have lived in the 50s and been the happy little housewife, per se, but I do like the idea that women took more time to treat themselves and feel pretty. I do think that when a girl feels pretty and confident, men really do notice and appreciate it. Gee, maybe it is time to get rid of these ragged jammies and find something a bit prettier... :)
See you TOMORROW!!!
xx

mary said...

There are at least 5 out of 7 days of each week that I wonder to myself if I'm doing enough. I'm pretty confident that my hubby would pour himself into a race car or similar project to stay out of that situation. He had to deal with it happening to his mom. I had to deal with it with my parents. Then that makes me wonder if I've been doing something wrong every time he starts on a project that consumes most of his time! It is very frustrating.

It is very true that it doesn't matter who you are, humans make mistakes. The good news is that we are covered by grace and our savior is forgiving!

Andrea Villarreal said...

I think one of our local radio talk show hosts said it best "you can have the most amazing steak dinner every single night and then one day you get side swiped by a Big Mac". Something to that effect:)Men are visual creatures and let's face it not always the sharpest tools in the shed. Tiger being the perfect case in point. What a dummy. He knows how visible he is. He took the chance anyway for what....sex?? And lots of men do this. They don't get the publicity granted but still they risk everything for what....sex??
There are always 2 sides to every story. Maybe he wasn't getting any at home or maybe she is the most fantastic lover in the world. We will never know...until of course there divorce filings are displayed for the whole world to see. Whatever the case may be it's none of my business.
A warning though.....
There are women out there who WANT your husband and don't care if you are married, have kids, a sick dog, peeling paint whatever. For as many jerky men out there there are just as many jerky women. It's the selfish, make me feel good now, who gives a crap about anyone else but me society that we live in. Just cross your fingers that your man can withstand the pressure. And if not it looks like the nine iron is the new "what the hell are you doing!!!" wepaon of choice. I would have used a driver personally;)

Sarah said...

While I certainly agree that relationships take work, I have to say I'm a little disturbed by a few of the comments here.

If you have made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, and suddenly find yourself tempted to stray from that, regardless of whether your partner has stopped working out or putting out as much as you might prefer, it is completely on you if you make the choice to do something as hurtful as cheat on them.

If things aren't working for you, it is your job to be honest with your partner and try to work out a solution. If there isn't one in sight, the kindest and most respectful thing to do is end things honestly before you go looking for something else.

I don't buy this whole, men just can't help themselves when a pretty woman makes a pass at them. It has just always been seen as more acceptable for men to cheat on women.

Most of the people I know who have cheated on a partner have not done it because Angelina Jolie walked by in lingerie, but because they had some serious self-esteem issues or a self-destructive nature that had nothing to do with the people they were cheating on.

Anne Marie said...

the words you spoke are true, and if you aren't completely secure in your faith, then it doesn't matter as much to 'cheat' on that sacrament.......you just move on.....
but yes, we all make mistakes, and it doesn't mean just because he did that, divorce is the answer! it would be hard, but we cannot break that sacrament.......marriage is soo tough no?
heartbreak are no.........

Anonymous said...

I have recently been though this situation and It is heartbreaking and life shattering. It has taken months of individual counseling and couples counseling and anti depressants to get me to where i am now. My husband did not have a sexual affair but was caught having an emotional affair online with a "friend". I think an earlier comment sums it up that once it is a mistake and after that it is a character flaw that I am not willing to deal with. We have been working really hard at our marriage to insure we don't end up here again. I always said I would never put up with an affair and sometimes I kick myself for even trying again but I am not willing to let another women run 11 years of work or the lives of my two kids. I hate reading these articles about jon and kate and now tiger as they are just reminders to me! I hope we come out of this stronger in time. Sorry to be so depressing!

Six divided by two..... said...

It all comes down to the commitment that you made before God. I was married before and he cheated. I tried to make it work for almost a year after that. But I could not get past it. He lost everything. He tells me now that he regrets it. Is it ever worth it? To me once that trust is gone.. it's over.

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

My first husband cheated on me and will go to his grave denying it, but a wife knows, plus evidence doesn't help! I waited a long time to finalize the divorce to give all the chances necessary but it was over.

Then a close friend of mine that I knew (through work) over the phone and through emails and pictures became closer to me all of a sudden. I had always felt a tie to him, but never let it be a possibility in my mind. We started talking outside of work and after we met face to face we knew it was love. We have been married for 7 years now and we truly believe that as the song goes "God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you".

We work at our marriage, but it isn't hard. We are in love and we prioritize the other person completely. He is the other half of me and that is final. I changed myself when I got married to Ken. You know how some people can have crushes on celebs? I chose to no longer look at other men and find them attractive, to no longer enjoy the attention or the "harmless flirting" that can happen. So each time I have been winked at, I turn my head and also let my husband know. Why? To be completely upfront with my husband so he knows that I would never do anything behind his back. That I am completely honest with him because he is my husband and he deserves that! My husband was so emotionally bruised and battered in his first marriage that he works doubly hard to ask ME how things feel between us. He is a precious man that that I am so blessed to have as my husband.

We keep God at the head of our marriage which is why we know that we will never have that happen in our marriage this time around. (FYI: his ex cheated on him as well...)

Zoë Moët said...

I think it needs to be said that it is not just a woman's job to work hard on a marriage and keep her husband happy. In a marriage (or any relationship) it is up to both partners to keep things happy, exciting, and emotionally supportive. I do not think that cheating on your partner if they are not keeping up their end of the bargain is OK, but I do think that both parties are responsible for keeping the relationship meaningful. Men and women are both sexual, emotional beings with a need to be cared for and loved, and marriage and relationships should provide a safe, happy place for that.

Chris said...

I am trying to make sure I don't take some of the comments out of context, but to say that men are "visual" and "sexual" creatures does not give them permission to cheat. The issue is that Tiger cheated on his (beautiful) wife--perhaps on numerous occassions. While she certainly doesn't deserve the media scrutiny, the ever "private" Tiger deserves whatever unwanted attention he gets. Whether he's "visual", "sexual" or a "man" doesn't matter. He cheated on his wife. It is wrong regardless of who does it or why they do it. Thanks for opening up the conversation!

Jessica said...

I'm with Tracy on this one, I think it's really up to each husband & wife to do everything to keep eachother happy so that you never feel like something is missing. Great post!

Pfeiffer Photos said...

I agree with Suzann...cheating can go both ways, not just men to women. It doesn't come about just because of what people look like or don't. It's not about the sex; it goes deeper, and I don't mean that in a good way. I am one of those that feels it's a personal matter, and truly nobody's beeswax but those involved--even with celebrities. Scandal is painful enough without everyone else in the world poking their nose in for a look.

jociegal said...

Wow - some really interesting comments here today. I don't have much to add except to say that I truly believe that everyone has the power to choose how they act. If you choose to cheat, then you live with the consequences. You can choose to be faithful. I think that cheating is one of the worst human traits and I can never imagine putting someone you love through that pain. You have to choose to be committed and make that a priority every day.

Julie Harward said...

I love the above comment...it's about agency. Sometimes I wonder if there are any good men out there..or women! Over the ages women have suffered most I think.."because it's just part of a man's nature"...oh my gosh, what century did that come from? Yes marriage does require work and these days it seems everyone is lazy and selfish. I get so tired of, "no one is perfect"..what a poor excuse! It does require a commitment to God, to oneself and to ones partner...more work! Too many tender little hearts of our children are broken and their lives ruined for years to come. Too many wandering eyes..marriage requires total fidelity, anything less is trouble for sure.
Boy what a subject you have brought up...a most important one to be sure! :D

LuLu & Co. said...

I've been chatting over this topic with my sister, all the comments are great and i agree... the one thing i feel hasn't been discussed is the role of the mistress in all this...in my book it takes 2 to have sex. These woman were not drugged, forced in anyway to have an affair with this married man... they knew and had No moral compass to walk away... and now they all will probably have million dollar contracts to pose nude for all the other men to see what Tiger Woods risked his image, his empire for... these women will be rewarded for the embarrasement, devestation of a broken marriage it will cause 2 innocent children in the whole mess. i'm just tired of no one ever thinking of the children before they act.
thats my 2 cents,
LuLu

Florence said...

You are so right marriage is work and it is on going, I have been married going on 39 years and there have been struggles and each time we seem stronger in our commitment to each other. Yes we do need to pay attention to how we look, we get comfortable, then things start to slide, then we wake up and go I have got to do something here. Life gives us lots of challenges and we just need to tackle them as we go. Great post. Florence

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

I work super hard on my marriage too for all these reasons. I just figure if he feels like my dream guy 24-7, and know that I think he's insanely hot, and that I respect him, and how hard he works to take care of our family, it just helps our marriage that much more. Yet I also know that it can happen to any marriage, anywhere... I love my man intensely though, and that's the best place to start.

Blessings,
Sasha

Amanda said...

I'm finding that it is not only men who cheat. My sister-in-law had an affair with the pastor of her church, who was also a family friend. Men may be visual, but some women are romance addicts, and have to feel the "spark" all the time. They were even "happily married." My brother said it just came out of nowhere as far as he could tell. He did everything he could to please her in every aspect of life. He was committed, gave her affection, and everything she ever wanted. I guess some people are just the "grass is greener on the other side" type of people. I try so hard every day to work at my marriage. I think maybe the key is communication? I dunno. It is pretty depressing though. =( I just hope and pray, and enjoy every day with my wonderful hubby.

Brenna LaPray said...

I too try to keep a happy marriage and happy home. I cherish my family and hope that we as a couple remember the important things we promised on our wedding day.
I'm so sorry for Tiger's wife but enough has been said about the situation...let's move on and let them work this out alone.

Anonymous said...

OOO THIS IS A HOT TOPIC.
I KNOW men are visual.
Does that mean they were born without a moral compass too ????

I don't think so.

It has EVERYTHING to do with character.
PERIOD.
If he loves his wife he would NOT HAVE DONE IT. PERIOD.

Men just aren't cavemen.
They have a choice.
BE FAITHFUL.
OR
DON'T BE FAITHFUL.

He promised to be faithful when he took his vows.
He could have had the DECENCY TO leave then go on about with his life.

The mistresses in all of this???
Where are their morals ?????
THEY HAVE NONE.

Cindy Shea said...

It always amazes me how parents will go to great lengths to protect thier childeren from being impressionable yet fail to protect themselves as adults. They tend to think that because they are adults they are above being influenced by certain situations. The truth is that we ALL have within us the possibility to commit wrong. That goes for men and women! Men will always be attracted to other women who catch thier eyes...women will always be attracted to a man who shows them more attention and makes them feel special. This is just life. But this does not mean that we have to act on these normal attractions. Here is the formula that my husband of many years and I always try to follow:

To commit adultery there has to be two components already established.

#1- Is an obvious attraction to another person other than your spouse.

#2- Is the opportunity of time and space to become overly aquainted thus leading to the possibility of adultery.

By removing one of the components you will always be able to avoid wrongdoing. In other words, if you find yourself attracted to another person then remove the opportunity to get further aquainted (within reason of course) and you will not be able to develop the second component required to commit adultery. There you have it. :)

Anonymous said...

Let me start by saying that I am a man...a happily married man (25 yrs). My wife and I were discussing this very subject last night. From my perspective, Tiger is a great golfer who happens to be a scumbag! The way I see things, you have right and wrong to chose from. Only two choices...right, or wrong. When a guy who most of the world thinks has everything going for him (Tiger) makes a terrible choice it's just as bad as when any other jamoke makes a bad choice...but he's still in the scumbag camp now! I guess famous folks think they're too special to get caught...but guess what...doesn't work like that. The easy way to avoid these hazards is to just make the right choice! Everyone knows it's not right to cheat on your spouse! It's not rocket science! Having a strong faith makes it a lot easier to tell right from wrong, but even famous people of faith fall from the pinnacle they put themselves on...
So men, and women, use your good judgement! If it's wrong... DON'T DO IT!! Nobody wants to become a scumbag!

-my wife calls me "dream hubs". :)

anna said...

thanks for this post. i think a lot of women forget that men are different creatures than they are. i try to remember this every day and keep my own man happy at home. and sometimes i feel that i'm doing more work at that than i should but it's all worth it. keeping my family intact is one of the most important things i do each day. i have a great husband. i read a dr. laura book a long time ago that helped me to understand what it takes to keep a good man...and also that it's part of my JOB and what i signed up for in marriage.

Anonymous said...

It has NOTHING to do with keeping your OWN MAN HAPPY AT HOME.
oH MY GOODNESS.......
HELLO !! I'm pretty sure Elin thought Tiger was hot too !
Goodness !
It always amazes me that people try to justify it by blaming the poor wife at home.
He committed adultry.
It's a big DON'T in the Bible.
He clearly didn't regret his choice.
He did it over and over again.
He is only SORRY because he was CAUGHT.

Girly Stuff said...

I agree with Anonymous up there!

If my life is spent running interference so my husband doesn't cheat on me, then who is to blame if it happens? Me? Because I suck at running interference?

HIM! His choice. Because he could have chosen to love me instead. And he could have told me he doesn't like my new moomoo!

I am tired of the cheatee having to take the blame. They might be guilty of other things, but not of the cheating.

Anonymous said...

Just curious...in your post, did you really mean "he just ELUDES the American dream" or EXUDES?

Simply Mel said...

Bottom line - we are all human. We all make mistakes. Men cheat. Women cheat. But there are also the lucky few who realize what gifts they have in each other and they never wish to let it go or screw it up. It is about commitment and taking care of yourself and respecting each others needs, wants and desires. Never take marriage for granted - it is a continuous work in progress, and one can only hope that it just gets better with age/years.

Dreaming In Pink With Roses said...

Great Post Kasey! It isn't hard to explain at all! I can sum it up in one word! selfishness!!!!!

Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.

Blessings ~ Teresa

Simone said...

Interesting post Kasey.

I agree with you that marriage takes work....but what about all those wives who "work" at it for years....and then find out their husbands have been cheating etc....I would imagine Elin Woods "worked" pretty hard at her marriage - the British coverage of Tiger Woods' situation has probably been much less than over there - but look where it got her.

It takes work on both sides - not just the little wife at home making herself pretty and making nice dinners - you could do that every day of your life but it wouldn't necessarily stop a cheating husband - as we all know.

I absolutely agree with the commenters above who have said so what if men are "visual" creatures, what about their marriage vows and their morals?

Just cos they are "visual" does that give them an excuse to cheat?

Of course it doesn't, some of the comments do sound as though they are taking the view that we as women have to make allowances for men just because they are not quite as strong as us morally.

No wonder some people felt they nearly had to make their comments anonymous, I nearly did actually.
I feel it is this kind of viewpoint that blames the "other woman" instead of the husband.

T said...

The older I get, the more I realize that infidelity touches almost everyone in one way or another. If it has happened to you, it's happened to someone you know and care about. It sucks.

aahcoffee said...

It has happened in my marriage, and I wrote a post about it on my blog awhile back. God doesn't waste a hurt.

http://aahcoffee.blogspot.com/2009/02/im-speaking.html

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm sorry but I disagree greatly with some of these coments. Both sexes cheat period. It sometimes has nothing to do with sex and sometimes it has EVERYTHING TO DO with it. My husband and I have discused this many times. We are commited to each other and in love but we understand that THIS THINGS HAPPEN sometimes. We BOTH work hard at our relationship. In all honesty I will forgive him if he would ever cheat on me and I know he would do the same. I don't believe that this would be a reflection of his love for me or his family.

There is NO WAY that in your lifetime you are not going to be attracted by another person other than your husband/wife. I just really wish this was not on the news. Thats for the Woods to figure it out, not the media. Also Nancy Grace got me really upset saying that both Tiger and his wife where lying to the media to cover their issues...well DUH Nancy, maybe because IS THEIR LIFE, I think they have EVERY RIGHT to lie about it if they see it fit.

MelanyTN said...

I agree with these comments:
1. Once might be a mistake...repeatedly with multiple women? That is more than just "being human and making a mistake".
2. Also, I'd like to think that keeping myself in shape and attractive and doting on my man is all it takes - but have you seen Tiger's wife?! That doesn't always do it apparently.

No one is immune to temptation, but we all have a choice in our actions.

Anonymous said...

I really think in a situation like this its completely off base to blame anyone but him. Granted, we never know what's going on between two people in a marriage, and I hate that the private life of celebrities is even up for discussion, but really he's the only one responsible. Not his wife who didn't do this or that to keep him from straying and not the naked, tempting mistress. No one forced him in or out of anyone's bed. I've been on both sides of this coin. I met someone a few years ago, dated him casually, slept with him, was on the verge of falling for him, only to find out a few months later that he had left out that one signifigant little detail--his wife..

I think some men (and women) do not belong in monogamous relationships and therefore should stop trying to be in them--they only end up hurting everyone..

Anonymous said...

Lord almighty! This is quite the topic these days. I agree with everything you said except that men are sexual creatures and women are not. I am on the same level with my husband in wanting to and in other relationships, sometimes I wanted it more. I've always been that way and can't understand women that only to do certain "acts" to get a man.

Men cheat. Women cheat. Ask Me. Ask my husband. Both of us have had it happen to us. Sex was NOT the reason in either circumstance. Trust me! Why do they do it? I think it's an ego thing.

As far as working on a marriage... sometimes you need to ask yourself if you're the only one working on it and if they cheat well than they gave up and it's time to kick their butt out.

Anonymous said...

To Simone- STANDING OVATION. CLAPPING OUT LOUD.

To the anonymous post below AH COFFEE - Of course...people will be attracted to others...it's natural. I once heard a sermon in church that I will never forget...
"IT'S OK TO HAVE THOUGHTS.... IT'S NATURAL. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH THOSE THOUGHTS THAT MAKE THE SIN".

HELLO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEOPLE CHOOSE TO CHEAT.
PERIOD.
LOVE IS A CHOICE.
CHEATING IS A CHOICE.

IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE.

Jemm said...

I know that psychologically men need sex more than women, but with teen pregnancy rates sky high, I have to disagree that women ARE sexual creatures too. We just have babies, and get tired and change our minds more than men. So....keep up with the sex in a marriage. This is the key. Men go where the sex is. Bottom line. Yes, some are good boys and put up with their boring marriages, but I'm no gorgeous bombshell and my man stays with me. Why? Because I feed him homecooked meals, love him unconditionally and give him what he needs...you know, in the bedroom. Very old fashioned and unpopular to say it that way, but it is the truth. Men are very simple creatures. Women LOVE your man, literally. (P.S. We've been married 14 years, together for 18. No it's not always easy and we fight...a lot.) Great post!

kali said...

I don't believe I have ever commented before, but I do love your blog. I appreciate your authenticity.

I think, we has women, need to raise the standards for men. By pretending like we can somehow "prevent" cheating by being attentive wives, cooking meals or having lots of sex, we are indicating that we have some responsibility in the choice of our partners to cheat. That is ridiculous.

I just finished a men and masculinities class, with an A. After taking this class, I feel sorry for the messages that our culture sends to men. I feel even more sorry that women buy into them too. We live in a hyper-sexual culture, that is certain. But women are every bit as sexual as men. Women aren't as visually stimulated, but what does that have to do with cheating? (thanks, Simone)

In a reverse situation, say a husband was tempted to cheat, but chose not to. Say he came home and told his wife about the situation, he was honest. I doubt she will say, "It must be all the great steaks and sexy little numbers I wore for you!" Because it wasn't. He was faced with a choice and he made the right one.

Relationships take work. Marriages fall apart over 50% of the time. But men, (or women) aren't entitled to cheat. The bar isn't lower for them. By assuming that they are these visual creatures, and lack self-control, men should be insulted. Their sexual desires aren't stronger than their intelligent brains or morals. And by assuming that any woman or wife could possibly do anything to prevent her husband from cheating, that any part of the infidelity is her fault, one would be insulting women and providing men with a sense of entitlement to cheat.

I encourage women to take a men and masculinities class.

I have been cheated on, multiple times by one partner, even while pregnant with his child. I left him. I have education and life experience.

Women- don't settle. Expect more. Set the standards high. You are absolutely worth it.

kali

krys kirkpatrick said...

I think once we realize that there is no good or bad. It is o.k. to disagree to have arguments. As long as there is honesty and open communication, (which isn't always pleasant) you will always move forward as a couple. After 13 years as a couple I feel more open and comfortable and content in our relationship. My first husband of 22 years, left me for a 22 yr old babysitter...uhhh we never disagreed or argued, we also never communicated. I didn't think I and my 3 children would survive the divorce, but now my life is better and more full and rewarding than ever.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with Jemm.......

i GUARANTEE men still cheat while having all the sex they ever need or want with the wife.........

All i can say is the mistresses are giving 'women' a really bad name right now.

They ALL KNEW he was married.

and didn't care.

what does that tell you ?!!

They should have had enough SELF RESPECT TO WALK AWAY............BUT NO !!!!!!!!!!
They knew exactly what they were doing...........

sick.
all of it.
sick.

Diane said...

It all boils down to morals and self respect.

The women had no morals to have sex with a married man.

They had no self respect either.
I can't believe they can even 'come forward', proud of the fact that they sinned.

wow.

Melissa Miller said...

I agree Kasey. Marraige is hard work. I was married once before to a cheater. I have two different views of what a true marraige is. I thank God everyday I have a wonderful man now. I'm blessed.

Many Sunday blessings to you.
~Warmly, ~Melissa :)

amygarfield45@yahoo.com said...

It's funny you happened to post this right now. On Monday night my husband "worked" late, and I knew there was something wrong. He and his nurse - with whom he shares and office - had been doing a lot of things that I thought were inappropriate. Texting all day long, facebook late at night, in, in general, just confiding in each other things that are not meant for anyone but their own spouses (she is married and has 4 children, we have 3). I had asked him hundreds of times to STOP. He constantly assured me it was innocent, but deep down I knew it wasn't. On Tuesday evening he came home from work and sat me down and told me that I had been right. Their relationship had developed into something inappropriate. Nothing physical had happened, but the night before when he was late coming home, they had been discussing their feelings. During this discussion she told him she didn't love her husband and that she had loved MY husband for nearly two years. She told him that she would leave him tomorrow if my husband would leave me. During those two years, my family has been through some of the most difficult things of my life. Our fourth daughter was still-born and because of the complications my health has been poor. I have had surgery and constant pain. My second daughter had a life threatening illness and was hospitalized for nearly two weeks. Through all of this, my husband was my life-line. He kept me sane. His presence was healing for me and I desperately needed him. Now that everything has come out, I can't help but wonder if he really wasn't there for me. He was physically there, but not emotionally. That is the hardest part to deal with. The physical indiscretions are awful, but even though none of that happened, the emotional indiscretions are devastating.

I don't want to portray my marriage as anything that it's not, but in my eyes, we were happy. I have NEVER, EVER considered doing anything like this, and while I knew they were flirting, I still believe he loved me. I still do believe that he loves me.

He made the right choices. He told her that he couldn't leave his family, that he loved me, and that he couldn't be a part of breaking up her family. He is trying desperately to earn my love and trust back and to assure me that none of this was my doing. It is easier said than done though. I don't know that I will ever fully trust him, or that I will ever believe that it wouldn't have happened if I were a better wife. Thinner, prettier, more "doll-ed up", a better housekeeper, a better friend, a better mom, etc.

Although he has never "cheated" on me by the world's definition, to me, he has. I would much rather have him have sex with a random woman, than to hear that he loves someone other than me. That he thinks about her when he is home with me. That kind of betrayal breaks my heart, and this has been, by far, the most heartbreaking week of my life. Burying my baby doesn't even compare. Please, if you ever consider developing an inappropriate friendship with a married man, DON'T DO IT!! The repercussions are endless.

I'm so sorry this is so long! Thank you for being someone I can "vent" to.

susan said...

whew...what an ordeal this is.
Susan

Maison Douce said...

My first marriage of three years ended because of infidelity... I later met my soulmate and have been happily married for 17 years!!! It does happen... too much too often!!! Loved reading your blog!!
Isabel

Tami said...

I would like to tell Amy (a couple of posts up) that I am praying for you and your husband. If anyone else reading these posts is a believer I ask you to pray for them as well. Blessings to you Amy.

Caroline said...

What kind of daughters are we raising ?
Wouldn't it be nice to say NO ! I'm sorry, your MARRIED. I don't THINK SO !

Anonymous said...

My grandfather cheated, my father cheated, my uncle cheated, my high school boyfriend cheated, my two brother in-laws cheated, my president cheated, the Bishop of my church cheated, my neighbor cheated, oh and yes my EX -husband cheated.... gosh I wish I was prettier and could cook!

Jemm said...

I feel that I have to respond to some of the remarks made after my comment. I never said that if you do x, y, z your man will NEVER cheat on you. Can anyone disagree that being an attentive wife and trying really hard increases the chance for success in your marriage? Yes there are lots of creeps out there, male or female, and nothing will keep them from cheating. I just felt like I had to clarify my previous comment. It's hard to have a thorough discussion just commenting like this, so I hope I haven't offended anyone.

My heart goes out to those that have been cheated on. It is really an awful thing and I hope you find peace in your life.

Angela Harris said...

Nothing has ever made me grow up faster than this topic.
My world was shattered, life was not as sweet and magical as I always thought it was and I learned God is the only man who will never fail me.
I pray that women who are going through this painful process will look to God for comfort.

Anonymous said...

I was that wife. He cheated once, and I took him back, forgave and trusted again. Then after 6 years of marriage, I started finding links to girls, not to far from my home, “adult services” I kept quite and watched, well spied. You see he had not been working, I was supporting him and our three year old son, and I waited to see. Then the day before our seven year wedding anniversary, we had gone to visit a friend out of town, I woke up, walked down the hall with my heart pounding, and there it was, my proof, my last straw. She was blond, kid-less, fun, 21. I saw everything. He changed the locks on our home, emptied our bank accounts, told everyone in our small town I cheated on him including my parents and our son….and months of damage later, he left. I haven’t seen him in two months. Our son hasn’t seen him in two months. If I could ever go back, I would have told myself NOT to ever forgive, even once. He was weak, and when things got hard, the only two times that they were vary hard, he found someone else. How will I explain these things to my now four year old? I hope I find a way that doesn’t leave him with too much anger in life…

Anonymous said...

I was the other woman. Here is this former mistress' tale of why and how it happened.

I am a life-long Christian well past her 20's who never would have thought that she could commit such a sin. Then why? By choice, he shamelessly initiated it and I shamelessly succumbed and continued it for 1 year. In my mind, I loved this man passionately, I felt we were meant to be together and that he should dump his wife of 2 years, who at the time was pregnant with their first child. It ultimately ended because my lover would not leave his family for me, even though I had the nerve to pray for MY suffering to end, and for my lover to fulfill OUR destiny to be together. This is how distorted sin made me. Eventually, God healed this distortion, and I finally ended it.

What have I learned about infidelity that you may want to know?
* Trust your intuition. My lover's wife suspected his infidelity although we were very discreet. I know this because she started to do things like unexpectedly drop by his office and demand he be at home at certain times. If your internal warning system goes off - you are probably right.
* Be wary of your husband's female friendships. Before it turned physical, we were truly just casual friends for at least 6 years. It changed when due to an event we started spending more time together, talked more and more and became very good friends, which led to a non-sexual emotional affair, which eventually escalated into sinful disaster. THE WORDS OF CINDY SHEA ABOVE ARE TRUE!
* Cheating birds of a feather flock together. If your husband is friends with a cheater - watch out! I regularly socialized with my lover, his friends and their lovers. They were all cheaters and "had each other's backs."
* It does not matter how good a homemaker, beautiful or accomplished the wife is. My lover's wife was beautiful in face and body, a doctor, and in my lover's words "a good girl." I thought I could take this man because sin made me stupid and I felt entitled to him. I too am very beautiful in face and body, as well as an entertainment lawyer, up to this point a good girl, and a woman with a seductive lair (i.e., magazine-worthy chic, always picture perfect and ready for him with sumptuous food, drinks, candles, etc.). In other words, a wife's worst nightmare.
* It IS worth it to work at being a "good" wife (see other comments). Some men are subject to sexual temptation AND their ego. I think my lover's wife took his devotion for granted. By his own comparisons, he craved me because I was better arm candy and lavished him with superior attention, praise, sex and physical comforts. Also, he was electrified by our affair. Just think about it. Everything about an affair is more stimulating than regular life. I'm not saying that being a "good" wife can prevent infidelity (its not her fault), but it doesn't hurt to bring your "A game" to the relationship and keep it stimulating.
* Love and marital vows powerfully favor the wife. I believe that my lover loves his wife despite his infidelity. I also believe that he loved me (see friendship point above), but clearly our passion and my attributes (see above) were NOT sufficient reasons for him to voluntarily leave his family. The mistress and the wife are held by the cheating man in two separate worlds which he intends to never intersect. My lover actually told me this and so have some of his fellow cheating friends. I'm a curious girl - so I asked.
* Once a cheater, perhaps always a cheater. Two years later my cheater still seeks to resume the affair. And yes, he did cheat again - with another woman while away on business. I know because he told me. You see, we have professional ties and are still on friendly terms. Scary right? However, I do not believe that serial infidelity is inevitable since each man has a choice.

I am not proud of this episode in my life. Please know that I have given the above account with the best intentions. It is a warning of what sin can do. Further, knowledge of the inner workings of the potential "players" is key.

- Former Mistress

Jennmanderson said...

Thanks for the post!!! I have been there. I chose to stay and my husband works really hard to be a better person, father husband. It still brings a tear to my eye when I think about it but I can truly say that our family of 6 is very happy and I am glad I stayed. I trust him and know that he has programs in place to make sure he doe not go down that path again. As I write this it may have been different if it had been one woman that he shared his thoughts etc with. He was drinking when he cheated. He has been sober 10 years and I am soooo grateful for all of his hard work that he does everyday with the help of the Lord and AA.