When Fin was only a few months old....my very best friend lost her baby.
She was 7 mo pregnant when she started to complain that she just wasn't feeling very good...in fact...she had a bad feeling. She said the baby wasn't moving around as much and just didn't feel like herself.
So she made a doctors appointment and went in.
I got the call later that night from her mom telling me that indeed their was something wrong with the baby and they were inducing her.
The baby had a bad infection which resulted in the doctors telling her that the baby would not live once it was delivered.
As soon as Bryan got home from work...i headed to the hospital. I spent all evening there...watching and wishing there was something i could do....but could not.
When this sweet baby boy was born the next day...they got to hold him right away and held him tightly for his last few seconds on earth.
Over the next few months our friendship changed.
I was at home with a healthy baby boy....she was at home mourning the loss of her baby boy.
This once best friend of mine...i could no longer call every day and complain about such mundane things...
i couldn't talk.
she couldn't talk.
We drifted.
They had 2 healthy girls at home and i felt like her husband wasn't being as supportive as i though he should be at a time like this....and i was doing all i could to be the very best friend i could....and still.....we were drowning.
It wasn't till much later that she told me that she thought i wasn't as supportive as i could have been and i felt deflated.
I tried to be the best friend that i could to a girl who lost her baby.
All she really needed was someone to sweep down and take away her pain.....wrap their arms around her and make everything normal.
I couldn't do that.
Every time i would see her..i would have this happy baby boy....and all she had was a picture.
I lost a friend....who lost a baby.
I have no idea if she reads my blog or not....but i am making it a goal to reconnect......
to wrap her in my arms and tell her how very sorry i am ...
to tell her i wish i could have done more....
to rebuild a lost friendship.....
i don't want to live with regrets....
xo
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90 comments:
Don't live with regrets...reach out to her.
I hope all goes well.
awww this breaks my heart...i hope she reads this and knows how much you love her...i'll keep you in my prayers...
So sad.
Friendships are interesting in the way they swing different directions throughout life.
But it sounds like this one is worth pulling back in, rather than letting it drift away.
I am sorry for all of the loss. A loss of a best friend, a loss of a baby. Just heart breaking. I hope that this is a friendship that can be rekindled. Thanks for sharing.
I hope you can reconnect. It's so hard to know the right thing to do when something so awful happens. I had almost the exact thing happen with a friend of mine - I had a 6 month old and she lost her baby and I felt almost guilty that my little guy was ok and her little girl wasn't. She didn't want to talk to anyone for months - all I could do was send her cards and things to let her know I was thinking about her. That was 10 years ago - now she has 2 beautiful little girls, but I 'm sure it still hurts her so much - we still talk, but we never ever talked about that. I wish you a rekindling of that friendship (and to have no regrets)!
I'm praying.
: )
Julie M.
This post breaks my heart. There is such a hard balance in this sort of situation, especially since you had a healthy baby boy. You'll be in my prayers that you are able to reconnect.
the valley of pain is a long & lonesome one...all one can do is be a 'hand on the shoulder' kind of friend. blessedness to you on this journey back to an old friend!
This made me cry.
I lost a baby; at a very early stage I might add (although still traumatic) I was a mess and friends did what they could but, no one could reach me in my pain.
Looking back; I don't think anyone could have reached me at that time - it's time that heals wounds - not people.
You did what you could in a difficult situation and with guilt for having your own healthy son.
Now, that time has passed and you are on more of an even keel you can show her how much you care for her and I hope she will understand that you did the best you could at the time.
B x
Oh man... I sure hope you guys reconnect. Loosing a best friend is really hard. Loosing a baby has got to be the hardest thing somebody ever goes through, and I don't know if anybody can really connect on that level with them unless they have lost as well. I am sure you did the best you could at that time, and don't regret anything. What matters is that you are still here, and still willing to reach out. good luck
Oh, Kasey....speaking from experience, there really isn't anything that anyone can do to help in this situation. I lost 2 babies prior to having our daughter....those were the darkest times in my life. The things that meant the most to me was knowing that friends and family were praying for me, that they were there to cry with me and hold me when I needed it. I have a feeling that your sweet friend would welcome you with open arms. I'll be praying for a mended relationship. :)
Smiles,
Rachel
You tried, Kasey...that's what counts:) Loss is so very hard & I don't think anyone really knows the right way to act/react. I hope your friend reads your blog; and I hope even more that you & she will reconnect & rebuild your friendship. It would be nice if this sad story had a happy ending:)
What you are doing takes a lot of strength my friend. Fixing old hurts can be really difficult, and I so admire you for putting it out there and making the effort. I wish you the very best and hope that in the end, you and your friend will find your way back to each other.
Thinking of you,
xx
I hope that God will allow you to redeem this friendship.......and that you can redeem the lost time.
suzanne
Actually made me cry for her loss and yours.
-Erin
My daughter had a stillborn baby about 2 yrs ago and her friend that came to the hospital had two sons. She couldn't handle being her friend after that because it was too painful for her. Hopefully now that the pain is starting to subside she will feel like she can talk to you again. She may have gone on to have another baby like my daughter and she's much better now. Oh and by the way names for you nephew...Axel, Anders, or Cooper.
I cannot imagine being her. I cannot imagine being you.
It all feels so unfair...so not right to say "there's a reason."
You are a wonderful friend who in purusing to heal the ache will not have regrets!
Wow that must have been very difficult. I have been wrestling with the same thing about reaching out to an old friend over mis-spoken words on both of our ends. This was just the push I needed to make the first step of reaching out to her and telling her I am so sorry for my part of it. Thanks for the push.....
Good for you Kasey! I hope it works out for you both. You would be a great friend to have. I have no doubts about that.
My heart goes out to you and your friend and I can only hope that you two are able to reconnect...it is funny how friendships change throughout life's happenings...blessings my friend! xoxo
Oh Kasey, do we ever know what is the right thing to do or say? It was such a delicate matter, I would have done the same thing. I always try to put myself in the other's shoes and imagine what I would want. Its not always the case, but you did your best. Reach out, I am sure she misses you too.
How sad...oddly I've been thru a very similar situation. It's really a difficult thing when your friend is grieving the worst kind of pain and your worse scenario is a serious lack of sleep. Good luck reconnecting, I like your attitude about not having regrets...
T
I know how hard it is to reach out and I hope that you do it and that all goes well. Remember it was a difficult time for both of you ~ please let us know how things go. I will be praying for you and her.
same thing happened over here...two best friends...baby boys the same age...one died at 3 months, the other is now 2 years old. The women, once close friends, no longer speak.
This is a tough one. Sometimes the only way to cope is to push away any reminder, anything that causes pain.
Try to reconnect...be the friend that you are...know that you did and will do all you can...but be prepared. There may be nothing you can do for her. Because your arms are still full.
Reaching out can be such a courageous thing. Here's to hoping that she'll reach right back.
Kasey. Oh dear Kasey.
Your efforts here hopefully will not be in vain.
I have actually been in both of your shoes at two different times. I know the pain and loss of a child (three, in fact) and I know the pain of having a friend whose pain I simply could not ease and whose negative life event ended up separating us (even though it did not involve me at all).
Pain in life can do this sometimes. It becomes bigger than the sum of all it is made up of.
You had it exactly right -- she needed something you could not, as a human, could give her.
I'm praying that as time has passed, her pain and the memories of that horrible season in her life have eased. You are never the same person after such an event, but with time, many times - if we allow it -- the breaks in our heart can actually become what make us stronger.
You are a good friend indeed -- to have carried this with you all these years and to still wish to make this right with her. An excellent friend. :)
Ruth
My best friend found out days before my wedding that her husband of 4 years was having an affair. It was horrible...she was experiencing the worst time of her life and I was starting my happiest. We drifted too. I pray that God will redeem our precious friendship and yours as well. I will pray for you...
Ah, this post is so touching. How hard it must have been for her and how hard it must have been for you. There was nothing you could do but reach out to her, and she couldn't be reached.
If your gut tells you to reach out to her now, then you should. Trust that inner prompting. Hopefully, she is ready to talk again.
Wow! Very bold and very sweet. I DO hope she is reading...
:'(
Oh Kasey...I, too, have been in this situation. My heart aches for you both. I admire you for reaching out to her. I hope and pray that your relationship will be restored.
xo,
Adrienne
You are brave. Sometimes it is just easier to just let go rather than put yourself out there. I admire you!
I pray that it goes well.
SMiles!
Michelle
OH sweet Kasey. What a tender post of a friend who genuinely wants to restore a broken relationship.
It seems that in my wake of growing up I have a lot of 'lost' friendships - I have come to just see those friendships as a value in that time and place...and aren't flashes in the pan, but very meaningful for THAT time. Perhaps your friendship will be restored. If it doesn't - you're doing all you can - and it was just one of those friendships that are just significant for that time.
I had a strained relationship with a dear friend of mine because she found out she was prego when we just started really realizing we were having fertility issues. And I had a lot of resentment not at HER - but she personified my problems. I knew it wasn't her fault what I was going through - but it *sorta* felt good having someone to personify my problems. I never have told her about it - but I know she felt it - eventually, I was restored and am able to have a healthy relationship with her.
I pray your sweet friend has been healed to a point where she can have a healthy relationship with you.
I look forward to meeting you - this just makes me want to squeeze you a bit harder when I do get to hug you - your heart is fabulous and I'm so grateful for YOU in my life.
xoxox
Dear Kasey ... I met Mary Ellen when we were in third grade .. we lived on the same block .. we skated, learned to ride bikes together .. leared to dance together when we were teens .. I was her maid of honor ..I am the Godmother of her daughter ... I moved away but we still kept in touch ..then about 25 years ago she stopped talking to me ..I didn't know why ..I wrote her a letter .. she never answered .. so for years I just decided it was not worth worrying about .. last summer I got a call saying Mary Ellen had died .. I never knew why she ended our friendship ..she took it to her grave .. If only I had called her or gone to see her ..."if only" ... Please don't let this happen to you and your dear friend... maybe you can tell her how you feel ..it's worth a try.
Hugz ...Betty
How heartbreaking... You're a beautiful soul to reach out. I've lost friends for various reasons and your given me the inspiration to reach out. Thanks for such an honest post.
Coming from a mother who lost my only child, my son at 4 months old it was very HARD to be around or connect with my friends who had children or were PG. I hated being around them, talking to them or even thinking about them. They really tried to make me feel like they put me first. They called when somebody else was with their children and they never spoke of their children. It has been 3 years since I lost my son and this last year I have finally "overcome" some of these issues. I too had a friend who delivered the same time as me with a boy who every time I see reminds me of what I no longer have. I now deal with infertility and have to accept that I will have no more children while everybody goes on getting PG around me.
If you really love her push thru her walls gently. Tell her the truth as kindly as possible as why you werent there, because you thought it was hurting her more by constantly being reminded. If she really loves you she will forgive you and love you back.
Good luck, it is the worst thing you can never imagine no matter how hard you try. What I never appreciated it how much my friends were affected by our loss and how it truly changed their lives too.
I hope you can reconnect, we all need true friends.
Boy...I have tears streaming... what a wonderful friend you are...prayers to you as you reach out...but as many said and you said...she needed something no one could give her.
I love how you want to have no regrets with it Kasey! Hopefully you know how much that says about you ~ best wishes to you...and know you did the best you could with whatever the outcome the future holds. Blessings to you!
I think that you are blaming yourself too much, Kasey. This was a terrible thing that happened, but none of it was your fault...and you couldn't help having a healthy son. It sounds as if you did everything you could to be supportive, but she obviously couldn't cope with the pain that she was feeling and, somehow, you seemed to bring back all of the pain, probably because you were there at the worst moments. I hope that you can get that friendship back but if you don't it will probably be that you are a reminder of that terrible time. XXXX
Well this post hit home. A similar situation happened to me this year. Except I was on the other end. My co-worker and good friend and I coincidentally got pregnant the same week almost a year ago today. I immediately told a few people, I miscarried before she told me she was pregnant at her 3 month mark. By the time the 3 months had gone by, I had heeled, but when I learned of her pregnancy, it made the next few months very hard to see her day in and day out. I did get over it. I realized it wasn't her fault, it was just a unfortunate situation. I did end up throwing her a shower because she didn't have too many people close to her. I'm sure deep down your friend knows it's not your fault, and hopefully she has gotten past it. Friendships are Always worth the shot of restoring...even if it is hard to get over the past whether the situation is under our control or God's. Best of luck. I'm know if I was her, I would be happy to hear from you. Maybe she really misses you.
time is an amazing healer. You reaching out and not living with regret is such a good way to live. Wishing you the very best,
xo,
LuLu
Beautiful post....write her a letter or send her the link to this post..that can be a start. A similar thing happened to me when I had a newborn..my friend had a stillborn in the 7th month and I also had such guilt about my happiness. I didn't see her on a daily basis, but kept in contact with her and eventually she had a baby and she was very healthy. Our friendship didn't suffer as we always kept in touch, but I felt such guilt. Take the first step and let her know how you feel...she probably misses you dearly. Good Luck, I will keep you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers.
touched my heart...praying for you and your friend
all the best
michelle
It's never too late...dont give up on her. You may just have a new friendship awaiting you~
I hope she sees it. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I think you did the best you could.
oh Kasey, my heart goes out to you. I lost my young brother 16 years ago in an accident, he was only 22 years old. It was a very difficult time for my family. My parents especially, of course. My experience with this sort of pain is that only time can help. There is nothing a friend can say or do that can heal you. My mother is still devastated, losing her youngest child. I am still sad losing my little brother. Our friends were wonderfully supportive, but nothing they said or did made it go away. I would imagine since there has been "time" for your friend to heal she must know now that there really wasn't anything more that you could have done for her other then being there. There just isn't anything except "time" that numbs the pain. I will be thinking and praying for you, jules
Kasey I agree with you...life is so short...no regrets. If you at least try to make your side right thats all you can do! I hope everything works all for the good!
That made me cry because.. sometimes we just can't help, even though we want to with all our hearts!
My little sister's baby died (crib death)I wanted and tried to help her but couldn't..nothing can heal that deep of a wound but Jesus Christ and his tender mercy.
I'm hoping and praying that by some miracle the two of you will connect again..you have alot of hugging and heart-to-heart talking to do. :D
oh gosh Kasey, I hope she reads this! It makes me want to be your friend! My sister lost a baby 3 years ago. It was horrible, it was painful. It was so hard to be the right kind of friend! I'm sure that It made it very difficult for you always having that sweet baby. I hope so much that your friendship will be restored~
I think it is very good that you reach out to her. I am sure that once you share what was going through your head and heart, how much you really did care, but didn't know how to show it. I've been the one who lost, and I pushed myself away from a friend that was pregnant with me, and just a week behind me. It took until well after her baby was born to get over it. Now, our friendship is on the mend, and we're just as close as before.
Praying for you both.
With tears in my eyes, I want to say that the best thing you could have done is what you did, YOU WERE THERE!! I hope you both re-connect but don't put too much pressure on yourself but rather pray about the situation and good things will happen!
Wow, that is beyond tough. I watched Lissa's family go through that loss. It was hard being an outsider and being out of control of the situation. We prayed a whole heck of a lot. I think it is such a hard thing to know how to be there for someone during those tough times of life. I'm praying your friendship will blossom. Here's to living without regrets...
I had nearly this same exact thing happen with a friend. She lost her baby at 31 weeks.... I had my baby 6 months later. It is very difficult for her to see my family because my son is a visual reminder to her of what she would have had had things gone differently. I know she still loves me... but I also know she isn't able to see us without it bringing her pain. It's been 5 years since she lost her baby. My heart breaks for her and I just try to love her where she is. I hope you and your friend can reconnect.
hey sweetie....i'm praying ya'll are indeed able to connect.
sad for both of you.
sometimes all you can do is just simply keep being a friend...a friend that is human ....you can never sweep down & take it all away. don't punish yourself.
it takes humility & bravery to put yourself out there
praying friend~
Oh Kasey...my heart aches for both of you. Intensely. Please do what you can to reconnect with her. Time may be just what your relationship needed to heal.
Prayers
Wendy
ooohh.. this brought tears to my eyes! Please keep us posted on how things are going. I went through something similar with a friend who was having trouble conceiving- when I got pregnant with my daughter it seemed she didn't want to be around me anymore. Things just weren't the same. I hope you and your friend make amends!!
I hope you are able to rekindle your friendship - I am so proud of you for trying :)
Words escape me. Probably because I know all too well how you are feeling. Maybe if we both close our eyes, hold hands, and take a leap of faith we can fix the regrets.
Oh Kasey.... hugs to you and her.
Friendships do have ups and downs that's true, I'm so sorry that this happened to her and sorry that you've lost a friend. I think usually we "take out things" on people whom we care about the most. Probably the more you reached out, the more she pulled away. I think that's probably a normal reaction, she was hurting so badly that that was maybe a coping mechanism.
I'm hoping that you two can connect again...I too have a friend (best friend) that seems to have pulled away. She just seems so "busy" with life and it hurts my feelings b/c I'm busy too, who isn't.
Good luck, and God Bless both of you
Try looking in your Bible and looking up "friendship" and see if there may be a verse that could help you.
It is never too late to mend a friendship...perhaps she is reading this right now & feels the same~
i love your honesty and openness kasey. such a hard time to navigate through..i do hope that you are able to reconnect.
on another note...i hope you don't mind that i tagged you in a little post that i did...it's fun...honest promise ;)
rebecca
I'm sorry Kasey. I had the same thing happen to me when I was pregnant with Alex. She could never look at Alex without crying and I couldn't find the words. I hope it works out and you two get to be friends once again.
(((hugs)))
rue
Breaks my heart. But try and reconnect and explain your emotions at the time. Sometimes a letter is easier. I have had the same 3 girlfriends since i was in 3rd grade. I am 40 now. We have gone a year without talking , ect. but we always reconnect. Each of us go thru changes at different times. One can relate or it can take another to go thru it before they can relate. You were going thru a happy time with a baby in your life, but you felt guilty because your friend lost her baby. It was not your fault. It was just crappy timing beyond both of your controls. I probably would have done the same thing. But true friens can talk it out and be able to express there feelings and reasons for there actions. And true friends will forgive and understand. I think it is worth it. mishelle
I hope you reconnect and get your friendship back. Tough situation, but I think everyone is right - time has passed and hopefully wounds have healed. Good for you for putting it out there!
That is such a tender post. Time does help mend things and I'm sure she feels the same way you do. I too hope you can reconnect.
Dear Kasey,
I so hope that your dear friend reads your blog. As a mother who has lost twin sons, it was so hurtful to have friends who (thinking it was for the best) did not let me talk about my loss, or tired to sheild me from seeing their babies. It was like there was a huge elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. I have a dear friend who had her sweet son the same day I was due with mine. It is such a blessing to see him grow up, even if it is just through pictures now that we moved away...
I hope your friend got the help she needed to heal and move forward. Seeing a grief counselor was the best thing I ever did!
Please send a letter to your friend. I'm sure she thinks of you, too. Best of luck.
Kasey - you couldn't get much more honest if you tried. It makes my heart break for the both of you. I hope she sees your post or someone lets her know. Thanks for sharing.
Wow Kasey, there are no rules or directions to situations like that. It is very hard to get through situations like that. Hopefully you can reconnect and start anew. You sound like you are willing to explain yourself and how you feel, old wounds sometimes can be healed. Best of luck. I know it was hard to bring this up.
Zizette
Such a terribly awful thing to go through. I love that you have the heart and guts to revisit it. That's something right there. Something huge, really. I'm so sorry that you carry this regret with you, but it shows that you know how to be a friend and to love and that you care. I cannot even imagine losing a child. I'm willing to bet that she knows you love her.
Your blog is beautiful! Thanks for sharing! Brandy
Hi, my heart goes out to you too! This is so close to home with one of my sisters having a beautiful baby girl and the other wanting nothing else in life except to have her own baby, It brings me to tears.
Wishing you all the best, Have a sweet day! x
I also have a very good friend who lost her son. He lived for 2 hours. It is such a helpless, sickening feeling. I had NO IDEA how to be there and felt myself avoiding her and situations I wouldn't normally because I didn't know how to be there for her or to deal with my own feelings about it. Luckily she reached out to me and we talked about how we both felt. She told me what she needed from me. I told her how helpless I felt. We are closer now than ever before. Good luck. I hope you can salvage your friendship.
What a heartbreaking story and good for you for reaching out to her. Please let us know if you're able to reconnect with her.
Copy this post and send it to her. Then, you will have done all you could as indeed it sounds like you have done all along.
i just found your blog through a friend's blog about your 300th post. as i scanned down and read this, i just had to comment. about a year and a half ago, a similar situation happened to me. my friend and i already have two children each that are only weeks apart. then we found out we were both expecting again, but this time only days apart. weird-i know. i miscarried, but she only tried to contact me minimally. i truly believe God was relieving me from a very unhealthy friendship. we were given a miracle baby before doctors believed my body should have been able to do so. she is almost 9 months old now. i often think of how i feel she dropped the ball in our friendship, how i just needed some time to get myself together and gather my head, but she made the choices she did and i feel that is what ended our friendship. thank you so much for being a bigger person. thank you so much for understanding that "time heals all wounds" and wanting to fix your friendship. i truly hope and pray that your genuine desire to reconnect will be understood and accepted and that your friendship will return and grow.
Time does not heal everything but you'll never know unless you hunt & attempt. I tried & it failed but I now know I did my best & it wasn't meant to last.
Her pain was as great as your joy & I suspect that no matter how much you had been there for her it would not have been enough to help her. Losing a child is the ultimate
agony.
Perhaps enough time has passed for her to remember the love your shared. I wish you luck & love in your fight for friendship.
:`( *chin wobbling*
I'm so sorry. I hope you can rebuild what was once a flourishing friendship. Good luck, I'm sure everyone who's reading is saying a hope or prayer for you.
What a lovely blog and a wonderful giveaway!
I am a follower please enter me in the drawing! Stop by my blog for a visit when you have time:)
This made me cry. I'm sorry for you, for your friend, for everyone involved. But I'm a Christian and I believe her baby is in the arms of the best Father he could ever have. It's not a cliche that life is short so even if your friend doesn't want to re-connect, love her from afar and think of her and pray for her.
Wow...what a cool and generous giveaway...I'm a follower as well and now I'm off to post on facebook about this...thanks again, Roberta
Just posted on my facebook wall...cool beans...Lola B!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/profile.php?id=1222723325&ref=nf
Makes my heart sad and hopeful all at the same time. I know about drifting friendships. Praying for you in this moment that everything can begin again like it was when it was great...best wishes.
Such a touching post. I am sorry for you and your friend. It is so strange how friendships change over time. I hope she reads your blog.
I don't know if anybody can really connect on that level with them unless they have lost as well.
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How beautifully written. It is so sad that time and matters of the heart distance us but you both did what you had to do to protect yourselves. If this friendship is supposed to be ongoing it will be, and the both of you will forgive and move forward to enjoy many new laughs and tears. I wish you well, sweets.
Oh, how sad.
When I was about 15 weeks pregnant I was told that most likely I was going to loose the baby (loooong story) To me it was so cold how everyone acted around me like it was ok and it happens sometimes. Well, yes it does, but it never happened to me! (Fast forward a few months and we got a healthy baby boy)
I really hope you guys reconect, sometimes we can't truly understand what the other person is going thru...
I hope you can rebuild the friendship you once had. At least you will know you tried your very best. Good luck.
Once being a L/D nurse.. I understand this pain.. it is horrid.. I also understand the friendship part...I, though was on side of the fence your friend was on... we now though...are no longer friends. You.. though are not to blame...you did the best of what you knew at the time.. You can and WILL rebuild that friendship... you did not break a trust bound, or a "Girlfriends 101 bond).... you perhaps..just didn't know just what is was to help her. Have faith... and I would pass this along to her...I am sure, it would make her fell better and understand you side. Good Luck... I think you and her will end up A OK!
xoxo
this explains a friend and I to a tee. Her husband died right as I had my first child. It was an awful death (cancer) and I was there as much as I could I think and well, it never felt like enough. They got engaged right when I got pregnant and he died right after I had my Ellie. She moved and we drifted... anyway this post struck some major chords.
My best friend lost her second baby after I had my second baby. Her baby had a problem and at 20 weeks she had open-fetal surgery that went well (miracle), but on Easter Sunday after weeks of bed rest, she knew he was not moving. As her husband came home from church, she told him they needed to go to the ER. I went too. I got to hold that precious baby. We buried that baby. Three years later, she is finally due December 4 with another son. She has watched all of our friends have their second babies over the past two years.
We have drifted somewhat. I never really knew what to say, and felt guilty for having two healthy wonderful children.
In our church service Sunday, the pastor said "Christianity without suffering diminishes our connection to Jesus Christ." Helps me to put all the pain into perspective.
Write her a letter in case she does not read your blog. Say what you said here. Just knowing it was hurting you that she was hurting will go along way to heal.
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