I'm just letting you know up front that i am not a deep soul......young at heart.......definitely....
an old soul......for sure.....
but deep.....that ...i am not.
I take my relationships lightly......i don't know why....but i do.
my friend told me yesterday....
that i tend to tread water...sort of like skimming it.....and i had to think about that one for a bit......
and i think what it means is.....
i'm a surface person.....i skim the situation lightly....like i would a person.
ugggh.
who wants a friend like that.
I'm realizing that i want to be more....
i want friends that really care....not just pretend to care....
i want to be a friend that cares....
like when i moved here....which was a big move for us.....because i did not want to come...
but we had to......
and i drifted into a dark spot........and for a good 6 months....my marriage was tough.....yes....
that was the toughest six months together.....
i was sad.....i was lost....i was hurt.... i didn't want to be here.......
i was mad....
and the one friend i really thought would understand ....was actually hurting me the most....
or at least that's how it felt.....
and i didn't tell her.....
and because i'm a surface type of girl....i let the friendship go....
because i didn't want to hear her tell me anymore that i would get over it .....
i did get over it.....but it took a whole year for me to find my place here....
making new friends....making my house a home...
and even though i hated it here at first.....this place had grown on me.....
but i am realizing how quick i am to let a friendship go...
because i am selfish......
I.am.selfish
If nice things aren't said.....or there is tension.....
i pull away.....i back off.....
and i leave.
That was the old me......breaking off a friendship because i don't want to get hurt....
instead of digging deeper and actually working things out....
i'm also not a confrontationalist {is that a word?}......
{remember the story about me in front of a camera...}
i'm the same when it comes to having to confront a situation....
drool everywhere....
ugggh.
I don't want to be her.
The new me is about to turn 35........
and i want to be someone special.....
i want to be special to someone.....
i want my friends to love me unconditionally....
and i want to love them truthfully.....
and work out the kinks....the wrinkles.....the hurts i've caused.......
i want to be more bold ....to tell a friend that i am hurting inside....
but i also need the type of friend that can put me in my place....
and not feel the need to run.....
good bye old me....
hello new me.
xo
oh... ...
Found: remember the search for plum boots ? well...i found them....at ...T.J. Maxx.....for only $30!! .....
and yes.....for $30.....they might acually be pleather.....but who cares....they are freakin cute.
pleather plum boots.......who knew.
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92 comments:
Wonderful! It's so nice to see you write from the heart! You are a very special friend to me...one of my besties...but I like the direction this "new" you wants to go...
Luv ya sweetie!
And yes, your plum pleather boots are stinkin cute!!!
:) T
Oh yay! I am soooo excited that I am the first commenter. Listen sister, I love you just how you are and I love the kind of friend you have been to Ash & I even though we haven't got to spend much in person time together...so don't go changin' too awful much or I may have to "unfriend" you...just kiddin'! :) Can't wait for you to be one of our "special" friends in May!! PS Hope Mason isn't too itchy!! and that he feels all better soon!
~Muah~
Darn it I knew someone was typing faster than me...that T! ha ha
Oh Kasey...I am almost balling right now...because I CAN SO RELATE when we moved where we are for sure...I didn't want to move...BUT we HAD to...it was so very difficult for me for so many reasons...and you know...we have a bit of a different story here...but very much the same...I am still getting used to "here"...the people are different...but I don't like confrontation either...I have been hurt by some...and never stood up for myself...but I feel like I have done the same thing..."new" me...I am trying to say how I feel but I don't like confrontation with friends either...and I don't like getting hurt...but I am telling myself to reach out...to let others know when I feel hurt...and to be honest...I am still searching for those true friends that are there for you when you need them...happy and not so happy...but friends that will put me into my place...my bestie from college...she was it...and she moved...and it has been hard since then...I miss her dearly...my parents always said she had a way with me...and my one true friend...thanks because you reminded me I now need to send her a note to thank her...
So sorry for the long comment...but that happens when I get sappy...
And by the way...I noticed those boots...and they are stinkin' cute!!!!
Beautiful... Kasey that was so truthful, I could feel as if you were talking right to my face. I too have let my 2 longest and best friends go in a similar type scenerio... I know, it is love hate being who I am. I too need to change... so I can love more, laugh more, be who I need to be as a Child of God, a Mom, a Wife, a Friend. I like tyo call it improving myself for the better :)
xo,
Sheila
I really understand. I was 35 when it hit me that I was not the person/friend that I wanted to be. I always pretended to have things together... I didn't relize that what my friends needed was me to be real. I could never ask for help until God put me in a place of need. You truely find out who your friends are... I am still learning everyday how to be a friend. I have even made time to reconnect with old friends that maybe I didn't value like I should have. Thank you for sharing. Love the boots!
cute boots~
so proud of this post kasey...
I really relate to your post.
I came here partly because I was a friend who was dumped. She just let our friendship go. She never said anything and when I tried to ask she seemed annoyed. To this day I have no idea why. I was depressed for a long time.
I probably wouldn't have a best friend now if my best friend wasn't my sister in law. I tell her all the time she has to love me.
I'm actually better having been a dumped friend. I have way more mercy and compassion and I don't write off anyone no matter how different they are from me.
K
girl, I love everything you said. and I agree. I have been like that with most of my relationships...and yes, one can consider it selfish. But, I *am* deep and I know where my ability to pull away easily stems from pain and hurt when I was younger.
Good luck with your endeavor. For when you acheive a deep meaningful friendship or find a true blue girlfriend, it is amazing.
this was my fave part of your post:
i want my friends to love me unconditionally....
and i want to love them truthfully.....
It's amazing how birthdays cause us to reflect on what we have or have not accomplished in our lives. Not only birthdays but anything life changing.
When we moved to PA from NC, I became deeply depressed. The winter was harsh and the days were long and gray. I didn't have a job and we had little money. We had left behind our friends, our home, our church and a sense of belonging. So, I feel like I an relate to you.
My thoughts:
I try to be the friend I want others to be to me. You get what you give and that goes for anything in life, really. We are in such a throw away society these days. We toss away marriages, jobs, friendships; everything is disposable. Life is hectic and especially if you have a family. My friends are in my thoughts often. Do I act on that? No. Honestly, if they hear from me once a month, I am doing good. Thank goodness we have email, Facebook, blogs and twitter.
One of my favorite motto's is "Bloom where you are planted". It is a decision. Thank you for sharing with us. Your plum boot are freaking cute!
Xo,
Tammy
Great post kasey:) And I love this song you have playing. I know it may be hard to change. I went thru alot of that growing in my 20's but I started a lot younger than you with babies and marriage and the moving thing. SoCal to upstate New York was so hard but I did get over it and now have been back for over 10 years. It made my marriage stronger and myself as a person so much stronger. We are always evolving aren't we?? Even now I am 36 ,a little older than you;)and I am changing everyday it seems. It would be pretty boring if we weren't. Don't be too hard on yourself:) Every day is a new day.....
Great post. Very real and honest. Self-reflection is a difficult thing at times, but also very constructive. You are hardly skimming the surface here, in fact, I think you have dug pretty deep.
Kasey
I have been the person on both sides of this and it is painful either way. We are all selfish when it boils down to it
I appreciate you sharing your heart and I will be praying that you will be able to grow as you want to.
Wonderful post, Kasey! P.S. the boots are awesome!
oh, my, goodness, you are me! i need to change too, but its scary, and hard, good luck
Very soul baring. Love it Kasey. Hello new YOU!
i was the same girl before i met my, going on 9 years, two bff's. the two of them have been bff's since the third grade, mind you, we are 44! these two amazing friends have taught me what it means to be there for one another. it is well worth the risk, of getting hurt, to find the blessing of true friendship. i know these two girls would do anything for me and my family, and i them...it is a true gift. jules
by the way, can't believe you found your plum boots at tj maxx, gotta love that place
Very well said...it really takes courage to admit you are not where or who you want to be at this moment in life. At some point we are all in that same place. I think everyone reading can learn a little something from what you wrote. Here we live so close and the longest conversation we have had is while I am running around setting up a booth! Why is that, anyway? Really, I think our shared sarcastic sense humor would blend dangerously! ;o) Kudos to you for being willing to make the effort to change! ~mary~
What a beautiful post Kasey. So glad that you opened up and gave us a glimpse into your heart. It is a hard thing to do, changing who we have always been. Congratulations to the "new" you!
So glad to hear that you found your plum boots Kasey, and $30? I don't get that lucky! Big hugs.
I so get it.
You watch - being intentional about being a friend like this will change you....forever....for the better.
can't wait to see the 'new you'!
xoxo
For a gal who claims not to be deep, this post seems pretty deep:)
I think it takes a brave soul to be able to recognize your flaws, put 'em out there for all to see, and to want to change. Kudos to you, Kasey...but don't go changing too much. A lot of us think your pretty special already:)
So brave... You say so many things that I only think to myself. I love this blog world and just adore you. Thanks for the push to be just a little better at friendships.
I can totally relate to the part where you moved out of town and were miserable and having trouble in your marriage. I'm 33, moved to CO from TN 2 years ago for my husband's job. I was MISERABLE for the longest time and would just cry constantly! I'm adjusted now, though I'd still like to move back south (I hate snow). Nice post...oh, if you get sad, just say PLEATHER PLUM BOOTS 10 times really fast : )
Wanting to protect our selves from pain is oh so typical of all of us. Especially if we were hurt as children, if we learned that no one else would meet our needs except ourselves, if we felt like if we shared our soul we would just be left vulnerable and hurt, we learn to cope...by clamming up. By being surface. By avoiding conflict. It's normal. It's survival. But you're right, we need to forge through the pain of being vulnerable. The pain of opening our hearts and speaking our feelings to those who have hurt us. I turned 35 at the end of August and I've been working on these things for a lifetime. It's hard. It can be scary. But being fully known and loved is the greatest gift we could ever receive. Many blessings to you Kasey.
BIg changes take a big person... and I hope tis is an honest post.
You GO girl!!
The first and greatest step is recognizing the situaion. You are an amazing woman.
Those boots are FAB. Boy, I miss TJ Maxx and Ross...*sniff*
Kasey, don't you love annonymous comments!
Annon should learn to spell first of all.
This was a beautiful post sweetie, and I love how open and honest you are.
MWAH!
Beth
Beautiful post, Kasey. Your plum boots are gorgeous.... but your heart is even more gorgeous.
xo,
Adrienne
Beautiful post Kasey. I can relate and that I think is what makes it so beautiful. No one wants to be hurt and often we protect ourselves resulting in a loss anyway (but it can be justified since you ended it before you got hurt, right?) I'll be right here when you walk through with the new you.
Zizette
Hi Kasey...nice to meet the new you!
Wow,...this post was helpful to me. I am 35 this year,...and this year is the year that I have struggled with that exact problem the most. I have improved. I am a work in progress though. (Aren't we all?)
I am lucky though, that my best best best friend is my sister. (You actually know my Wendy...Shabby Nest Wendy)
She and I dig deep and hold on. She is my constant. That's really something, right? To be 35 and already have your constant?:)
Good luck with your "new me" journey. It's not easy to change things about ourselves but it sure is rewarding when we do.
Love the boots.
~Michelle
Well what a great post to find you. I skipped through the blog field and have found myself here.;) What a great post. I think you said what alot of us think. I know I was nodding my head as I read it. Good luck, and I am sure you will become the person you are aiming for. You sound pretty awesome now. Nice blog, I like it alot.I think I may need to "follow" in your New boot steps:)
I too detest confrontation. Really really dislike it. I have lost friends because I can't stand up to them, so I end up leaving instead. It isn't good, but I am learning from my mistakes.
Sometimes the friends we make as we get older are valuable because we know what we need and are able to ask for it.
Can't wait to spend a week in France with you,
xx
If you knew the year I've had.
If you knew the week I've had.
I have read this post three times and you've really made me think. Thank You.
The boots? Really cute.
The post? Pierced my soul.
I share so many of your tendencies. And I used to feel lonely lots of time...in a way that no one would have really understood, because like you, I had lots of "friends". Plenty. But not many who really knew me, or who I felt safe with. I had to consciously force myself out there. It was scary. It still is. But you already know this, because you just wrote about it. I just think, Hoorah! You're taking that step and you'll never be the same and you'll look back on this time and be so glad you did it.
I like you.
PS - Those boots are super fun, but what I want to know about is the socks. Love!
Boo to Anonymous! This was just beautiful, and written from your heart and soul. It takes such courage to see ourselves as we truly are, admit that we don't like something that we see, and become willing to change that part. Change is uncomfortable and scary, but so worth the risk! You go, girl! Sending you big hugs....
I'm just another one of the many telling you this, but it really was a great post. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
This 'new you' journey...it's going to be fabulous! Just like you!
Thank you, Kasey!
Happy plum boots.
Happy new you!
Almost happy birthday!!!
: )
Julie M.
I love T.J.Maxx..I love the boots..and I just love you! Just the way you are! Sometimes I think "friends" nit-pick each other TOO much! Just except people for how they are and just love them no matter what!!! Be who you are..be nice..be kind..be who you are...YOU are needed, not someone who is constantly trying to be different. Sorry but I think you are wonderful!
Come say hi :D
Transitions can be difficult and hurt, but I hear you say you want change and I think you will reap the benefits, and your friends will too. Be true to yourself and the rest will come. Florence, I like your boots too.
Your Never too Old to Change! Oh, Pleather is the the New Leather....Love the boots. xo Jamie
What a lovely post! After recently losing my best friend for many of the same reasons, I can so relate! Good for you for being willing! Go for the hard work and don't be afraid to make yourself vulnerable because to let a relationship go out of fear is heartbreaking, for everyone!
That was deep....and lovely! I see the new you already. Oh, and LOVE the boots! B x
This is a heartfelt post Kasey ~ baring your soul ~ sharing ~ admitting ~ these are all hard things to do. I hope that you can become the new you that you seek. Wow ~ listen to me!
Congrats on finding your boots!
well hello my new kasey
you know i'm a deep girl
so i'm loving your soul baring self
even if you didn't return my call yesterday
or answer my emails....
b/c i figured you were home playing florence nightingale
but apparantly you were soul searching outside in your rocking boots
i love you
xo
Thank you for this. Your words could have been written by me if I was a writer, or bold, or honest with myself. I let a friend go (I hate to write that) and she cared so much about me to ask hard question and confront me on things and I didn't want her to "go there." I actually close my eyes when I scroll through my phone book because I can't bear to see her name and think of the hurt that was caused...
I am praying for courage to contact her and I'll be praying for you to on this new journey.
Thanks Kasey.
Every life has it's ups and downs. I am just coming off a six month depression and finally feel as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I can understand wanting to start "you" over. I think friends can be such a shoulder to lean on but sometimes you need to go through things on your own. True friends will always be there for you... no matter what! Oh and I wish I had the guts to wear Pleather plum boots! Good Luck with the New You!
honestly kasey, only you could make plum pleather boots look adorable!! i think your soul searching and quest to dig deeper and bare your soul come with age dear girl!! enjoy it. you will reap wonderful rewards when your friendships get deeper!! xo!
I'm so impressed with you. I was impressed when you packed up and took such a BIG move. You have done fabulous making your new home YOUR home. I consider you a true, dear friend. I have learned so much from you. I can't believe you're going to be 35!!! You look WAY to good. Love you.
Self-reflection is hard -- good for you and for talking about it too -- you're quite amazing!
Janet
P.S. Cute boots!
I have a lump in my throat....this post explains your insistence on going and getting me those stinkin cute plum pleather boots...I love you for that. Wow, just wait until you turn 40 honey...you will be super woman by then. On a serious note, I think as women we tend to stop evolving when we have children and are consumed by LIFE....you have reminded us all that you must continue to evolve to really be happy and content with yourself. Aren't birthdays great??? Talk to you soon my dear!
It's exciting! What a wonderful decision you made. I think most of us do a little bit of all of that. I know I have. You inspire change :)
Oh Kasey, between you and Jeanne this morning, I feel like you girls have been sitting in my head and are writing from not only your hearts but mine too. I am going to take a step from the talk of dreams and share one of mine here. I dream of relationships like I used to have. With friends that were always there, being a friend that was always there. The past few years my hubby and I have had alot happen in our life. We are lucky that it didn't shake our marriage or affect our children but everything managed to take a toll on the person that I was and the relationships that I had. I was always a happy-go-lucky, eternal optimist and I lost that through all of the struggles. I lost the ability to relate well to others(or at least care enough to try) because no one knew what we were going through and I didn't want them to. I lost or weakend alot of my friendships during all of this and it hurts knowing that if I could have just opened up and been honest about what was going on and why I wasn't around as much they would have understood. What they didn't understand was my distance and I know that it was probably misinterpreted as me pulling away from them. One of my biggest dreams right now is to find my way back to the person that I was, now am and want to be and strengthen the realtionships that I do have and make new ones too. It is hard to humble oneslef but sometimes so necessary.
((hugs))
oh kasey girl....you are adorable in your plum pleather boots!! i too also tend to pull away...i really don't have any close girlfriends; i'm extremely cautious and private....good for you wanting to change, it can be hard and scary...we have to step outside of our comfort zone and still retain a small bit of ourselves before the change...do not to lose the girl you are now; you are wonderful...maybe it's all about rediscovering and not really change at all...
I feel like I realize the "icky" stuff about me all the time and the two choices: change or don't kinda sucks.
Just remember: take it one day at a time and celebrate the small victories that happen in that day!
Thanks for sharing so deeply here for so many
Ps-you can't get rid of me ;)
truth is power. glad you are brave enough to look and accept. Now you can use it to become the woman you want to be.
Hello New Kasey. Nice to meet you. Sorry your you've got the chicken pox at your house. Which kiddo is sick? Hope it goes quickly...and doesn't spread.
As for the boots...I was just scouring my TJ Maxx and nothing nearly as cute...and everything over $70. I've got to tell you...you definitely have better shopping where you are!
this is a very worthy cause!
YOU!
we have to take care of our self first to be of any use to others.
you are worthy of close friends and deep ties to other wonderful people.
believe that!
the first step is reallizing you want a change!
i want to say:
good luck on your journey.
but truth be told it's gonna be hard work. luck isnt gonna swing it.
so instead i say this:
We arent here to float along, but to grow and learn and change!
to become more like Him.
He never said it would be easy.
He only Promised it would be worth it in the end.
xoxo shell
www.gypsylemonade.blogspot.com
p.s. your plum boots Rock!
Almost yummy enough to eat!
shell
Casey- I have very few female friends as well as I tend to put all of my focus into my little family. I am learning now that in order to help my daughter have and be a friend I need to do the same. I am very much a surface person as well as I'm inpatient and hurried on a regular basis and don't make the time to really dig in and listen.
I'm going to make more of an effort AND go in search of those oh so cute plum boots. :-)
This hit closer to home than I'd like to admit.
And someday I dream of being first around here. *ahem*
I am constantly reminding myself that I need to spend the time to nurture my friendships. It is harder than some people think.
You are not selfish you are real. We are the same age and I am going through a friend dilemma. I have two close girlfriends. One I trust with my every guarded secret and the other that I scratch the surface. Sometimes you outgrow friendships and they turn into something else. You have to work on you first. Baby steps. I can't tackle anything if I am not comfortable. I think anyone would be lucky to have you for a friend don't be so hard on yourself.
xo
Hi, Kasey!
I think it is better to have a few really good friends...because if you have a lot of friends, they all say nice things to hear but you might miss that brutally honest advice from a really good friend...
So don't let go of really good friendships :) They will always laugh with you and cry with you...
Have a really warm&happy night!!
kasey, it's brave to put your flaws out there and want to do better. it's a good thing. remember no one is perfect, you're a good freind to many as all these encouraging words is confirmation of that! xo ~ Susan
ps. love the perfect plum boots!
Blessing to you on your journey to the new you. :) LOVE the boots...you are right...freakin cute! ;)
Smiles,
Rachel
Wow! Not sure if you'll see this little comment way down here...but don't put yourself so down! We all are a little like this now and then and it just depends on what's going on in your life at the time.Change is good and if there is going to be a new you... then great..if the old you is still around you still will be loved!
I have struggled with this myself, but I actually am a deep person. In fact, I have been the exact opposite side of this struggle. I give all of me, and put everything into relationships and have needed to learn boundaries. Funny that I've felt such similar emotions though.
this was very sweet and heartfelt. I wish relationships weren't so messy.
Dear Kasey you will find your natural rhythem, it will come lessons are hard, I am going to share one thing I always told my kids when they were growing up, when you have to make a hard decision, or you are at a crossroads, you are trying to decide how you are going to handle something, pick the hardest one, it's usually right......you are doing the right thing, thanks for sharing your authentic post, just you, not deep just real people like that best.....love those darling boots.....Tracey
I love your pleather plum boots and I love the old you but I am very much looking forward to getting to know the new you!
i don't guess i should comment on the boots first after such a deep post, but girl, those are some cute boots (and the price even cuter)! ;) about the new you...it's a pleasure to meet you. it takes courage to admit things like that, but that's the first step in changing the things you don't like about yourself. you have alot to offer a friendship. digging in deep and hanging around for the long haul will result in a relationship that stands the test of time and blesses you beyond reason. happy 35th, dear Kasey. you've got a lot to look forward to! :)
Kasey........
it sounds like you are deep already, and you caught yourself listening to someone else instead of your own self.....
being a person who loves the "dot dot dot" as I do in my blog and writing, that "dot dot dot" is deep - contemplative, and some of the greatest writers used the "dot dot dot" quite often in their orginal works...
~think of this: don't please yourself but Him (stressing the capital H there)
have a great weekend Kasey
just finished painting a chair white.....
thought i'd take a computer break...
now, i have big tears in my eyes.
are you sure you're not me? you must be me.....
there must be something 'out there' that is really kind....
because.....
out of all the blogs in the world,
yours popped up....
and all i was searching for was vintage dresses.....
thanks for posting and being so honest.
I think you're close to the "new you" than you think. Thanks for putting yourself out there for us.
Have a wonderful weekend!
You are wrong...you ARE a deep person. :) All you needed was a "shovel" to know it. Thank you for speaking from your heart. I can relate too...when I got married 2 years ago I felt I had no one (except for my husband, who is wonderful....but hey, a girl's gotta have girlfriends!). All my girlfriends were single or dating and couldn't relate to me in my married with a capital M lifestage. I wouldn't share as much with them..and as a result withdrew. I am now remembering what good friends they are and I don't want to lose them. I am going on a girl's weekend getaway today and am super excited about it.
Love the boots...the post..and your honesty. Keep it up and happy early birthday!
-Gail
I sat here reading your blog and I was looking in the mirror... it was if you were my friend talking to me. I have lost so many dear friends because I was Selfish... WOW. Thanks.. I too want to be a new ME.
Love the boots....the post not so much! Is that real enough? I haven't been the type of friend I should be either, but I want grace, I want to give grace and I want to receive grace and I don't want to be put on a pedestal by people and I don't want to have to live up to others expectations. I want a real friend and I want to be real but sometimes they don't like the real me, then what do I do?? Then I feel like I have to be the person they like and OH how I hate that!! I do like your blog though, and I love TJ Maxx and I would've bought those pleather plum boots in an instant!
thanks kasey. not sure i ever commented on your blog before but this post, i needed to. i have concerns/issues/feelings about my friends. not bad but...this just made me really think about a few things. if i could write my feelings down, like you, i would. it goes deep, probably wouldn't even know where to begin.
thank you though :O)
xo
This is a really great post Kasey....I applaud you for your honesty. You don't seem to me like you should change anything, but you're the boss ;)
Fab boots by the way....LOVE them :) xo
Great post Kasey...very real and honest!
Sorry, but you prove to be deep after all. But in a good way. I read a little about my own self in your post. I guess we can't all be perfect, but we can always strive to be little better, right?
Kasey- I love this post. I once was a skimmer of friendships too until I met a friend who wouldn't let me fake it. She only knows how to dig deep and I am all the better for such a real and loyal friend.
I beg to differ with you on one point - you are deep Kasey or this blog of yours wouldn't be where it is- you just don't like to go there so much.
a big hug to you.
beautifully honest post. Much enjoyed. I also adore the boots. ;)
Oh, yes, a truly true friend is indeed hard to find. You speak so beautifully from your heart. I appreciate your honesty and know that we can all relate in some way or another. Thank you for sharing!
p.s. you pull off boots better than most women! love them.
I love your post...sounds a lot like me and a friend of mine. And I know we would both die for those boots. I ran straight out to my TJMaxx and was devastated when they weren't there! Can you share the brand name?
this was an awesome post, K! Pausing for a little bit to realize where we're going what we're doing is a good thing. Only than can we step back and process life. I wish you the best sweet girl! I am here...a friend and i would like to be more of it in the future.
freakin 35?
fuck, I'm old.
lovely post. Hope you find your life a bit richer.
I am still laughing that you said pleather. hee hee
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